I can feel the pain in this question, in this poem Ashley, and I think it matters, intensely, and always will. You have some absolutely stunning imagery and phrasing here: "Does it matter that I knew/the exact colour of your eyes/and the way you looked/when you were pretending to be happy/when I wasn't the one/living in the ocean of all that was you..." Just beautiful. Thank you for your candor; we are all better for it.